


One step at a time

by denyingmyselfalways



Series: How Tony Stark accidentally became a dad [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Don't worry, Gen, I'M NOT CRYING YOU ARE, I'll fix it soon, Nebula is done with people, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Steve and Tony coming together after the war, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony is trying to cope, sooooo much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-05-21 07:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14910695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denyingmyselfalways/pseuds/denyingmyselfalways
Summary: INFINITY WAR SPOILERS (which you've probably seen it by now but still)He couldn’t breathe or think or move. He was crying without realizing it. He was hurting so bad. Peter. Peter. Peter. He was gone, and he wasn’t coming back, and-In which Tony tries to cope with Peter's death and fails miserably.





	1. Chapter 1

He couldn’t breathe or think or move. He was crying without realizing it. He was hurting so bad. Peter. Peter. Peter. He was gone, and he wasn’t coming back, and-

Tony was shaking. The red sky of Titin was killing his eyes or maybe that was just the tears. He couldn't really focus on it. He couldn't focus on anything really except for all the missed chances. All the missed chances with the kid that got him through most days. He never got to thank Peter for everything they'd done together. He never got to thank his kid. He never got to apologize.

“We have to get off this planet.”

The slightly metal tinge to the woman’s voice startled him. That’s right. He wasn’t the only one that had been forced to survive. It took him a moment to focus on her statement.

“What’s your name?” he croaked, managing to uncurl from himself and stand on shaky legs.

“Nebula,” she said after a moment of hesitation. “We have to get off of this planet,” she repeated, “It’s killing you.”

Tony barked a laugh, running a hand through his grimy hair. Dust particles fell off his fingertips. _Peter_. “That might be an improvement at this point.”

Nebula sneered. “You aren’t the only one who lost somebody, terran. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Obviously, you’re needed to defeat my father or the sorcerer would not have sacrificed a stone for you. Not his finest moment, but perhaps you are more useful than you look. I am not letting you kill yourself after all that was given up for you. And if you have any inkling of revenge for Thanos, you won’t let yourself die either.”

Tony clenched his jaw and took a breath. Right. Because even though Tony couldn't protect his kid, Thanos could be damn well sure he'd avenge him.

“Right, so how do we get off this planet?”

Nebula pointed to Quill’s ship. "I’ll have to make some repairs, but it’ll be operational in about twenty ticks.”

“What the hell is a tick?” Tony didn't really care, but anything to distract him would be enough.

She cocked her head at him. “About five terran minutes.”

“Okay, what can I do?”

Nebula smirked at him, already turning away from him. “Nothing, unless you’ve worked with alien spaceships before.”

“Is it similar to Chitauri tech?”

Nebula shrugged. “Not too different.”

“Then I can help.”

The blue-skinned woman sighed. “Just don’t get in my way.”

 

After about ten minutes, Tony got a rough idea of what he was doing. Nebula must have found his help invaluable because she only yelled at him twice.

It took a little under an hour to fix the ship and at that point, the air was getting a little thin for Tony, so he grabbed an oxygen mask from one of the emergency kits and slipped it on. Nebula didn’t even glance at him as she slid into the captain’s chair and took off.

As soon as Tony sat down in the chair next to the half-robot, the grief hit him in full force again.

He tensed, trying to keep himself from sinking into oblivion, but it was too much, it was all too much.

When he needed a recruit, he had Peter.

When he needed to worry about someone other than himself, he had Peter.

When Banner was gone, and he had no one to tech with, he had Peter.

When he was tired and couldn’t deal with himself anymore, he had Peter.

When he got a barrage of emails from Ross, he had Peter.

When he was attacked by a grape-faced alien, he had Peter.

And he’d taken it all for granted.

And now Peter was gone.

He had no more tears left to cry, so he just let his exhaustion take over and submerged into unconsciousness.

 

When he awoke again, his oxygen mask was gone and they were orbiting the earth. The alien girl was asking him something, something he couldn’t quite make out.

“What?” he croaked, shifting.

She growled. “Where are we landing, terran?”

He blinked, thinking. “Wakanda. Take me to Wakanda.”

“And where is that?”

“Here,” he pushed a few buttons on the console, finding earth on the 3D map and tapping the African country. “Now, I’m going back to sleep.”

She was snapping something at him, but he was already falling into numbing unconsciousness.

 

Tony awoke again to an empty ship. That stupid woman left him asleep. He got up slowly, only allowing himself to think about the next movement, the next step. He focused on one thing at a time because otherwise... he didn’t think about otherwise.

He managed to walk over to the entrance of the ship and found Nebula sitting there, tinkering.

“I thought you said this ship worked?”

She didn't even look up at him. “Just because something works doesn’t mean it can’t be improved.”

Tony sighed, “Are we in Wakanda?”

“As far as I know,” she kept working.

Tony shook his head and left the ship. For a moment, he just stood in the sunlight, trying to adjust to earth again.

Earth without Peter Parker.

He shoved those thoughts from his mind. One step at a time.

Thinking things through. How much damage. He had to assess the damage. The fact that Nebula got into Wakanda either meant that their shields were down, or she was an amazing hacker. Possibly both. Bodies of both Wakandan’s and aliens littered the ground. Some small part of his brain felt smug at the ratio of dead aliens to people, but he was too tired to think about that. He recognized no one, thankfully. He didn’t know how he would react if he did.

He walked towards the castle. Hopefully, the king would be there. He could help. Tony needed help. About a fourth of the way to the castle, a transport carrying a tearful Wakandan warrior intercepted him.

“What is your business here?” the woman asked in a crisp Wakandan accent, managing to sound official while wiping away tears.

Tony sighed. “Tell your king that Tony Stark is here to see him.”

“My king,” she snapped, “is dead.”

Tony looked down. “Who’s still alive?”

“We are still trying to find the death toll. You said you are Tony Stark, yes? The others are asking for you. I will give you a ride back to the palace.”

Tony nodded. One step at a time.

 

The ride there was uneventful. Tony nursed his injuries somewhat, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to do much without a doctor.

“Here,” the warrior said, stopping the transport at the foot of the castle. “They are on the third floor in the west wing.”

Tony nodded and stood. “Thank you. And my condolences for your loss.”

She just nodded back curtly as he stepped off. “And mine for yours.”

Tony wondered if it was that obvious that he’d lost someone. Then again who hadn’t?

He watched her shoot away on the miniature ship and turned, managing two steps toward the front door before collapsing. He briefly wondered if it was the pain or grief doing this to him before darkness crowded out his vision.

“Tony!” a bittersweetly familiar voice shouted, but that was the last he heard before he was lost to the world of the conscious.

 

“Will he be alright?”

“Physically, yes.”

Tony stirred, quieting the voices. A set of footsteps briskly left the room, leaving the other person behind.

“Stark?”

Tony didn’t open his eyes. He didn’t want to open his eyes. If he did, he would be admitting that it hadn’t been a nightmare. He wished it were a nightmare.

“Tony?”

“What do you want, Steve?” he managed, squeezing his eyes tighter.

“To make sure you aren’t dead.”

“Well, I’m _not_. Obviously. Let me sleep.”

“Tony just open your eyes.”

He clenched his jaw and force his eyelids open. “So, you grew a beard, huh? How did Thor feel about that? Or is he dead too?”

“Tony.”

“What? Is he? Because at this point...” he was shaking again. Why was he always shaking? He sat up, trying to take deep breaths because the last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of his ex-friend/sort of enemy/ally.

Naturally, he started crying. “He’s gone. He’s gone, and I can’t... I can’t _do this Steve._ I’m. Not. Strong. Enough. I-!” he slid his legs off the bed he’d been lying on and walked over to the window overlooking the city of Wakanda.

“I have to go build something. I... I’ve gotta...”

“Really, Tony? At a time like this? You weren’t here when we needed you and now you want to, what, _tinker?_ ”

Tony whirled, “Needed me? What could I have done?! I couldn’t even save Peter, and you think I could have helped here at all?!” Tony scoffed, pounding a fist on the glass. “You said yourself that I’m nothing without my suit, so I might as well keep improving them, right?” he blinked, resting his forehead against the glass. “Right?”

Steve was silent for a moment. “Who’s Peter?”

Tony looked back at him. “Who’s Peter?" He shouldn't really be confused. He knew logically, Steve had never officially met Peter before, but the thought of someone not knowing who Peter was and what he'd gone through was oddly disturbing to Tony. He had the strong urge to hold a press conference with the entire world to talk about Peter just so they would see a glimpse of what they'd missed out on. "...He’s my kid. He’s my little kid.” He fisted his hands in his hair. “Gosh, what was I thinking? He was just a _kid_. This is my fault. All my fault. I should’ve... should’ve... gosh.”

He could hear Steve’s footsteps coming closer. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Tony.”

“Me too. Me too.”

“Buck’s gone.”

Tony looked up at him. “I'm sorry, I-... dammit!”

Steve frowned through his glassy eyes. “Why should you care?”

“I thought... I don’t know. I wanted to... say something. Anything. It was never about him and I wanted him to know... that I never really _blamed_ him. And yeah, I probably would've hit him once cause, it was my _mother_ , but I knew it wasn’t his fault. He was just... easy to target. Because you lied to me.”

“I’m sorry.” Tony's gaze held Steve's for a long moment. He knew it would never be quite the same between him. He knew that he would always have nightmares of Steve's shield coming down towards his chest. He knew he would look at Steve and sometimes see the mother that he'd lost. But anything was better than nothing. But then again, the way that Steve would remind him of Peter's selflessness and inability to do the wrong thing made Tony wish they would never make up, just so he wouldn't be miserable all the time.

He was the first to look away. “Whatever. It’s... whatever. Where’s the lab? I have to _tinker_ I guess.”

“It’s in sublevel two. The whole floor.”

“Thanks,” Tony was out the door in a second. He needed a distraction. He knew Peter wouldn’t want him to cut himself off from the world, but Tony was never really good at doing what Peter wanted.

Besides, the time stone that Strange had been keeping had given him an idea. He always told himself that he wouldn't hope, because hope lead to vulnerability, but Tony usually did anyway.

And this time was no exception.


	2. Chapter 2

He’d been working for days in the Wakandan lab, using their tools to rebuild his destroyed Iron Man suit. The Wakandan tech was much more advanced than his own, and he would have praised Shuri up and down if he wasn’t so tired all the time. So empty.

He probably could’ve just told FRIDAY to send him one of his older models, but he liked this version, and he needed to have something to do. Something to get his mind off of things. Off of Peter.

Pepper was alive, as was Happy, and he’d just meet up with Rhodey, so that was good, he guessed. Nothing more to grieve about on top of his kid. He kept referring to Peter that way. His kid. He’d thought that about Peter for a while, but he’d never had the guts to tell him.

To tell him how much he meant to Tony.

Now it was too late.

Tony threw the screwdriver across the room.

He slumped into his chair as the _clang_ reverberated through the empty lab. Stringing his hands through his hair, he sighed, trembling slightly. Would anything ever be the same?

“You know, I don’t think trashing her lab is going to go over very well with the princess. She can be pretty scary.”

Tony turned to look at Steve, who was hovering in the doorway, hesitant.

“Even to a guy like you?” he murmured, putting his head back in his hands.

“Especially to me. She was very protective of Buck,” Steve’s voice dipped at the last word.

Tony chuckled humorlessly. “From what I can tell she and Peter would’ve been best buds.”

Silence. Steve took a few steps closer to Tony. “What was he like?”

Tony looked up. “Hmm?”

“Peter.”

Tony scooted the rolling chair closer to the desk and minimized his other tabs. “FRIDAY run baby monitor protocol. Rewind to vlog number one please.”

“Baby monitor, what-?” Steve was cut off as the video started playing.

a Film by Peter Parker

 _“New York, Queens,”_ Peter’s voice in that stupid accent he did when he was trying to act cool. _“It’s a rough burrow, but hey, it’s home.”_

 _“Who you talkin’ to?”_ The camera whipped over to the back of Happy’s head.

 _“No one.”_ Hearing Peter’s voice for the first time since his death his Tony like a ton of bricks. _“Just making a little video of the trip.”_

Out of the corner of his eye, Tony saw Steve watching him, but at this point, he didn’t care if the super soldier saw him break down.

_“You know you can’t show that to anyone.”_

_“Well, yeah, I know.”_

_“Then why are you narrating in that voice?”_

Tony huffed a small laugh, eyes beginning to glass over.

_“Uhhh, cause it’s fun!”_

_“Fine.”_

_“So, uhhhh... why d’they call you Happy?”_

Happy just reached up and pressed the button that rolled up the separating window until all you could see was the reflection of Peter holding his camera.

Tony glances at Steve, who’s frowning at the video as if trying to figure out why Tony cared so much.

The scene changes to Happy’s impatient voice telling Peter to _‘Come on! I’m not carrying you’re bags. Let’s go.’_ as the camera is jostled around trying to focus on the private plane that Tony had prepared for Peter.

 _“Hey, should I go to the bathroom before?”_ Tony almost smiled at his comment. Peter who was thrust into this ‘Avengers world’ much too young and didn’t even know that there were bathrooms on airplanes.

_“There’s a bathroom on it.”_

**Cutscene to empty cockpit.**

_“Woah... no pilot! That’s awesome.”_

**Cutscene to Happy sitting across from where Peter was holding the camera.**

_“Is that where you’re going to sit?”_

_“Wh- yeah!”_

A beat.

_“Is this your first time on a private plane?_

_“This is my first time on any plane.”_

**Cutscene to Happy sitting in a different seat.**

_“Should it- Should- Should it be making that noise?”_ came Peter’s concerned voice.

He was shaking again. As usual.

 **Cutscene to Peter making a shushing face to the camera and then zooming in towards Happy’s sleeping face.** The camera floundered as he jerked awake.

 _“Nobody’s actually told me... why I’m in Berlin.”_ Peter’s voice narrates over flashing scenes of Berlin and Peter’s reactions. _“Or what I’m doing. Something about... Captain America going crazy.”_

Steve snorted as the scene changed to Happy gesturing towards Peter’s room.

_“This is you.”_

_“Oh, we’re neighbors?!”_ Peter sounded too excited about that.

_“We’re not roommates. Suit up.”_

**Cutscene to Peter filming himself in a mirror in his old suit.**

Tony shook his head at the state of the old thing.

_“Okay, Peter you got this, you got this.”_

_“What the hell you wearing?”_ the camera swung over to Happy staring him like he was crazy.

Up and down view of the suit.

_“It’s my suit!”_

A tear slid down Tony’s face, but he ignored it, eyes glued to the screen. The tear was, however, not lost on Steve.

_“Where’s the case?”_

_“What case?”_ The camera followed Happy as he opened a door to the other section of Peter’s room. _“That’s not my- what?! I thought that was a closet! This is still my room!”_

_“No, please.”_

The camera flipped so you could see Peter’s face covered with his old mask. _“My room is way bigger than I-”_ he was cut off as Happy shoved him from behind and cursed at him, _“Ah, I found the case! I found the case. I found the case.”_

Peter picking up the note left on top. _“I minor upgrade?”_ He flipped the switch and the case opened.

_“Woah! Oh my god!”_

The camera turned on Happy. _“Put it on.”_

Peter’s unintelligible response. _“This is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen!”_

_“Let’s go!”_

More unintelligible fanboying.

Then it hit him. It really hit him.

He may never hear Peter fanboying _ever again._

He may live the rest of his life remembering and looking at old videos on the baby monitor, but never in person. Never for real. He may live to be one hundred years old. And he would never get to watch Peter grow up.

_Last night, I dreamt we had a kid._

_It felt so real._

“Tony?”

He looked up. He must have spaced out because the video was paused, and Steve was looking at him, concerned. Wary.

“I... just...” Tony shook his head, wiping away tears he hadn’t realized had been there until now. “I wish I could have... known. So that I didn’t take it for granted.”

Steve glanced down at his hands, remembering the feeling of the ashes of his best friend. “I know. I know.”

Tony glanced at the screen. The video was paused just as Peter had started filming Tony in their car.

“So, he... uh. Was making a video in the middle of the fight?”

Tony hugged a laugh, not bothering to look back at him. “That’s Peter for you. FRIDAY, unpause.”

The camera shuffled around until it focused on Tony. _“What are you doing a little video diary?”_

A hesitant, _‘Yeah,’_ from Peter.

_“It’s alright. I’d probably do the same.”_

_“I told him not to do it,”_ Happy said, his voice drowning out Tony’s. _“He was filming everything. I’m gonna wipe the chip.”_

You could hear Peter protesting, but Tony’s voice cut in: _‘Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! You know what, we should actually, we should make an alibi video for your aunt, anyway, you ready?”_ Tony took off his sunglasses. _“You rolling? Get in the frame.”_

Tony’s jaw clenched as Peter’s face entered the frame. Innocent. Stupid. Annoyingly easy to get attached to.

 _“Hey, May! How you doing? Whatcha wearing? Something skimpy I hope,”_ Tony’s voice trailed off in laughter.

Tony smiled at Peter’s halfway offended reaction.

Steve swatted his arm.

_“Okay, that’s inappropriate.”_

Peter nodded.

_“Alright let’s start over, you can edit it.”_

_“Uh-huh”_

_“Three. Two. One. Hey, May! My gosh- uh... wanna tell you what a... incredible job your nephew did this weekend at the Stark Internship retreat. Everyone was impressed.”_

A car honking interrupted them. _“Come on!”_

_“It’s a friggin merge, I’m sorry-”_

Tony pointed in Happy’s direction. _“This is because you’re not in Queens Boulevard.”_

**Cutscene to a closeup of Tony _._**

_“See Happy is, is hoping to get bumped up to Asset Management, he was Forehead of Security, and before that he was just a driver-”_

**Cutscene to Happy in the driver’s seat.**

_“That was a private conversation. I told you that in confidence. It was hard for me to talk to you about.”_

**Cutscene to Tony again.**

_“No seriously was he snoring a bunch?_

The camera jostled as the car screeched to a halt.

_“Alright, we’re here.”_

_“Whoops!”_ Tony’s laughter echoed through the speakers.

The camera cut to Peter, who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but this situation, then to Happy.

_“Happy, can you give us a moment?”_

_“You want me to leave the car?”_

_“Why don’tcha grab Peter’s case out of the trunk.”_

The video cut out.

Tony let out a shaky sigh.

Neither said anything.

“I wish I could have met him. I mean... officially.”

Tony turned to Steve, who looked like he both wanted to step towards him and away.

“Oh, you would have loved him. He was a lot like you, actually,” Tony said, turning back to the screens and waving away the video. He pulled the files for his suit back up and let his hands go on autopilot, not really thinking about the work.

“How so?”

“Sacrificing. A moral compass that never wavered. Talked too much for his own good. Absolutely no sense of self-preservation.”

Steve chuckled a little and Tony felt him move a little closer. “Does sound a little familiar. Makes me kinda wonder how you ever put up with him.”

Tony laughed, but there was no humor. “Some days I didn’t. But even then, he... you know. He was Peter.”

Steve was silent for a moment, as Tony kept working. Watching that video put a lot of emotional stress on his body. Finally, he looked up at the super soldier. “What?”

“I just... I thought you hated me, and now we’re...”

“Having a heart to heart while I compare my intern to you?”

Steve laughed, looking away. “Yeah.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“No?”

“I just miss... who you were.”

Steve sighed, and Tony focused on his computer, not willing to look at him.

Until finally. “Me too, Tony. Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for doing this  
> I will fix it later I promise
> 
> If one good thing comes of this, it's that Tony and Steve are on speaking terms now
> 
> I'm so sorry


End file.
